How to eat Pie N Mash.
Firstly, if you are a fat bastard like myself, knock every cunt out of the way and commandeer the chairs or bench that are not fixed to the floor so you have freedom of movement.
Place your fighting irons on said table, these consist of a a fork and spoon, on no account use a knife.
A knife is for the following: poofs, vermin, northerners on holiday trying the green funny stuff, and americans.
Place your order: double, double, should suffice even the greediest for fat cunts.
Return to aforementioned table, if now occupied you may now, and only now, use a knife to threaten the occupier for being such a cunt to nick your table.
Place plate on table.
Turn over both pies make incisions in both with spoon whilst holding pie in place with fork.
Sprinkle liberally with white pepper then add chilli vinigar to your taste.
finish and have a concealled burp to show your appreciation of the finest meal in the world
(on no account is a fart permissable)
Be a gentleman, Pick up plate, spoon & fork and return them to the counter, not forgetting a cheery "Thanks Love" as you leave. (to women only)